Are You Having Cotton Candy Conversations?

I was expressing to my therapist recently that I was tired of surface-level conversation and connection. After doing a lot of internal self-work last year, I’ve come to crave more depth. Things that go beyond the usual small talk, or Instagram-like, or worse, negativity and gossip. It’s not to say I don’t have deep conversations with some people, but I think it’s rare to find someone willing or ready to go deeper.

In response, she said something I haven’t stopped thinking about since, and I knew I had to share.

“Surface-level conversations — especially negativity and gossip — are like eating cotton candy. We think that these conversations fill us up. But, if we really bite into it (like cotton candy) there’s no substance there. It all melts away and we realize that we’re in fact, not fulfilled at all.”⁣⁣

OK dang. I swear I sat there, mouth agape for a full two minutes. I know, I know, it’s not Socrates-level profound. But it definitely took what I’ve been feeling + turned it into a pretty sweet (🍬) metaphor. ⁣⁣

Don’t get me wrong — small talk and fun conversations are still important! It’s a great way to start and built a connection with someone. But if it’s all you’re consuming, you’re going to be left craving more.⁣⁣

If you’re also feeling full of fluff, start to trade in that cotton candy for some funnel cake. Something with some substance. Try to have one conversation with meaning every day and see what you can uncover.⁣⁣

Trade in the usual surface-level or negative conversations (“Ugh the traffic was awful. I had a driver who cut me off and (….)” “OMG did you see what so-and-so did?” or less harmful ones about the weather, tv shows, etc.) and try to make connections with a little more substance. ⁣⁣

And if the people around you don’t easily reciprocate the level of depth you’re trying to facilitate, there are a few things you can do:⁣

Take the lead

Tell them what you’re feeling extra grateful for today. Share an interesting concept you heard in a podcast. Or start a conversation about something you’re passionate about, then ask them about their passions.

DO something meaningful together

If someone isn’t ready for deep conversations, try just spending more meaningful time with them. Instead of drinking + watching tv, go volunteer together or explore nature.⁣

Start with yourself

When all else fails, work on discovering deeper meaning within yourself. If we aren’t comfortable going deeper within ourselves, it’s hard to try to go deeper with others. Start listening to podcasts, reading books, and asking yourself tough questions.

In this circus-of-a-world we live in, one where we’re jumping from trapeze to trapeze, responsibility to responsibility, crisis to crisis, it’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and stay in our comfort zone of surface-level connection. But cotton candy can only fill us for so long.